oy

i've reached a point where even the thought of graduate school makes me faint. not in swoony kind of way. in a my brain can't handle these options so will just shut down kind of way. is it odd that i'm feeling as if i don't know enough to go back to school? i'm paralyzed by this idea that i haven't yet paid my dues ... that another academe isn't going to solve the world's problems. i went from loathing my job (abusive boss) to loving my job (two incredible bosses + actual intellectual challenge) over the course of the last 9 months or so. aside from no longer being miserable for 8.5 hours a day, i've come to adopt this attitude that action (in regards to the things in this world that irk me most) is not really an option for educated people. my basic needs are taken care of, i'm safe, i'm (relatively) financially secure and (relatively) privileaged; not contributing to the greater good in some way is (i apologize if this sounds militaristic) just gluttonous, maybe even immoral. one of my bosses, who ran the state's largest legal services organization for twenty years (and, rumor has it, won a genius grant), said something to me the other day that stuck. i'll preface this by telling you that a favorite pastime of hers is harassing state legislators, in person, day after day, until they break down and give into her requests for things like increased funding for low-income legal service programs. anyways, she said to me, "katie, i've been doing this for twenty goddamned years and nothing has changed! i was walking down the street the other day and saw a woman walking her dog and wanted to grab her and shake her and yell 'there's no time for dog walking when so many people need our help!'" no i'm not about to start attacking dog walkers (except maybe with hugs) i know that i want a career that inspires in me that kind of passion. and i know that when i receive phone calls from people who are so incredibly disadvantaged (by their own actions, or, more frequently, by no fault of their own) and they don't even have the tools to comprehend how to start to help themselves, i forget about everything and help. i can't not help. so i've narrowed that much down: my education has been my saving grace, my golden ticket. i want to solve the world's problems by empowering people to change their world. i think this starts by educating them. and advocating for the education of those who can't advocate for themselves. that is what i want to do. that is my new mantra. writing that helped. you'd think i'd have learned that after 24 years. ugly betty is eating poutine right now. and i have some chocolate fig greek ice cream to attend to.