"Do I sound like a musical robot?"

So, full disclosure, I'm sitting at work right now watching the Scripps National Spelling Bee online on ESPN. It is one of my favorite events of the year. One of the best things about the Bee is that once you've completed the 8th grade, you're no longer eligible to compete. So, essentially what you have is an enclave of oily, gangly, awkward pre-teens who, while their peers are out obsessing over Miley Cyrus and plotting to ruin each other's social lives and passing "will you go out with me? yes no (circle one)" notes, these kids are obsessing over words. As a world-wearied nerd myself, I feel a special pang every time I witness one of their awkward tics, their bowl-cut bangs, their geeky air-writing-and-erasing, the facial hair/soprano voice dichotomy and just want to gather them in one big bear hug and tell them it's going to be okay! You nerds shall inherit the earth! A spot on the middle school volleyball team does not a success story make! (Okay, okay, now it's getting personal)

The Bee feels like a safe haven from the zitty, catty, self-esteem-teeter-totter that is Middle School. In fact, the only genuinely painful part of the broadcast is when the dolled-up correspondent, a Paris Hilton clone all veneer-y mouthed and frosty-locked (never a nerd, I'd venture to guess) tries to engage the kids in breezy backstage banter, when it's clear they'd rather be discussing the etymology of the word "eremophyte" at home with their mothers.

Hang in there kiddos. You'll be laughing in the faces of those who laugh at your dog-eared dictionaries soon.

And on a final note, one of our favorite blogs around these parts (lawyer nerds!) http://throwingthings.blogspot.com/ has a guest blogger covering the Bee. None other than Shonda Rhimes, writer/creator of "Grey's Anatomy." He posts almost make me forgive her for the clustereff-waste-of-airspace that has become "Grey's." Almost.

And my money/heart is on Rose Sloan.

Bad Effing Dog, Carl

Okay, before getting started here, let's just make two things clear:

1. I am a dog lover. And if this picture is any kind of proof, DOGS LOVE ME BACK. Case closed. (Yes, I'm also aware that this picture is proof that white girls shouldn't wear keffiyehs if they don't want to look like dbags. moving on.)

2. Some Rottweilers are amazingly awesome and gentle and sweet lovely things. See: Carl.

Now that we've got that straight, let's talk about my walk home last night. So, la dee da, it's 10:30, I'm walking down 12th after a looong night of proctoring. I'm approaching the Cafe Press/Stumptown complex when I see a lovely little Rottie tied up to a pole outside. I'm a good three feet away at this point, because I'm not a fucking moron, people, I've lived with dogs all my life and I know you do NOT shove your schoz in the face of random dogs on the street. I say (because I talk to all dogs; I can't help myself), "Hey buddy, how are you?" His/her ears go back, I think "Wow, homes does not want to be touched," and proceed to walk by while saying goodnight to the pup. Apparently homes did not want to be spoken to either, because fucker LUNGED AT ME AND PUT MY ARM IN HIS MOUTH.

I then proceeded through a strange mental process that went (in my head, mostly; some shouted via text message) like this:

Me talking to dog: "Dude, why did you do that? That is not cool? Let's be friends man. Not cool!"

Me being very very thankful that this Rottie decided to bite ME and not some little kid and/or person afraid of animals. Maybe I'm just an asshole, but I can definitely tell the difference between an "I want to eat you" bite and an "I'm kinda freaked out so I'm gonna put my mouth on you so you'll go away" bite. This was the latter. Had this been anyone else, though, there's a good chance this could have ended up in a law suit and/or dead puppy.

Me being really fucking pissed off that this dog's dumbass owner has neither the sense to NOT TIE UP A DOG PRONE TO BITING STRANGERS ON A PUBLIC SIDEWALK; nor the time/brains to get to the bottom of this biting/being afraid of strangers shit. You know, I understand if you've got a dog for protection. That is cool. But don't put it on the sidewalk. And if this dog is just your fun let's-get-a-pet dog be a fucking responsible pet owner and get a handle on that shit. Talk to a trainer, whatever. IF YOUR DOG IS ANGRY AND AFRAID OF PEOPLE, THERE'S A REASON. Talk to anyone in my family; we had the border collie from hell who is now The Greatest Dog In the World.

Me being really freaked out because a ROTTWEILER FACE is not something you want to see lunging at your person. See:

Me feeling really slighted that this dog didn't like me. See: If your dog is angry, there's a reason, above. Dogs love me. I wasn't antagonizing this one. I promise. It just flat out, didn't like me. I take that personally, Rottie. Dogs love me. I love dogs. Sometimes more than people.

So, in conclusion, nothing was harmed (save my feelings) and I'm angry at irresponsible people. This is not news afterall.

And because I'm such a dog nerd, I have to say, again, that I'm not criticizing Rottweilers. Ever! They are awesome! If they are socialized and treated well and taken care of (like every other dog ever)! I'm not afraid of them! Just their idiot owners who give them a bad name!

"Screwing things up is a virtue..."

i'm pretty sure with the death of mr. robert rauschenberg, we've lost not only an american art behemoth, but the one person on earth who can claim he both erased de kooning and made out with cy twombly AND jasper johns ... aside from me, who says these things and is totally, totally making them up (jealously). RIP, sir.

circa 2001

for a brief moment last night on the bus while listening to "say it ain't so" (don't hate) and texting my sr. prom date, i could have sworn it was 2001.

notes on a sunday

sinus infection be damned, i reunited with my good friend, the ballard sunday market this afternoon after a long, long winter. there, i scarfed on gluten-free baked goods from flying apron and bought a genovese basil plant.

i was a little hesitant about basil as i've heard it's kind of a beast to grow, but the woman at the plant stand assured me that this particular basil babe had lived indoors all his life and would prefer a nice sunny windowsill to the wild and wooly outdoors. so what i have is elitist basil. and in honor of my favorite elitist, who with the passing of each day, comes closer and closer to earning the democratic nomination, i've dubbed my basil "barry." barry and i look forward to a long summer of much fresh pesto and universal child care and other elitist things.

also, because food blogs have basically become my porn, i have to brag about the dumpling soup i stole from my favorite blog 101cookbooks and recreated on saturday night. i made these snap pea dumplings a few weeks back and now have dozens waiting in my freezer to be put to good use. they are sooo sooo good. and perfect paired with a simple broth and some yellow split peas. behold:

Oh godddddd the irony ...

“The great divide in this country is not by race or even income, it’s by those who think they are better than everyone else and think they should play by a different set of rules,” the former president said.